Reading for an exam or test has never been easy.So I decide to take a break by watching a movie.After the first episode I pause and put my books aside.Over the next ten episodes I watch my life unfold in a movie.Tears fill up my eyes and from scene to scene I find myself sobbing.How could I hurt so many people?
June 2016,just around that time,I hit rock bottom.I had drowned and nothing I knew existed could save me. I was on attachment,working at a local company that made boxes along kitui road in industrial area.Most days I did not report to work and when I did I was aloof.Some of the workers would notice and ask me but I always had an answer far from the reality.They believed me but who knew!!I was hooked!!and I just couldn’t say it.
I had spent my whole life finding favour among men and especially my peers.Every parent used me as a good example to their children.I got good grades,I loved God and stayed away from bad company.My parents held their chests high.
I really don’t know where it all went wrong but I believe it’s when word reached my folks about my gangster lifestyle.They stopped depositing money in my account and kept calling to inquire of my whereabouts.I became bitter especially towards my friend who I was staying with at that time.I loathed her.She kept giving information to my parents.Every tiny bit.Snitchy bitch!!She even handled money sent for me from my parents.Sometimes I got so angry that I threw plates and anything I could find at her.I shouted the whole night listing every evil deed people had done to me.At one time,the landlord almosthrew us out following numerous complaints from the neighbours They thought I was mad and so I did anything I felt like.After all,they all said I was crazy. Honestly,all i needed was someone to listen to me carefully.It was a cry of help.I wanted help.
I stopped going to work.Some days I felt so helpless that I hoarded myself in a corner.Silent and depressed.Other days I was happy.I sang hymns and painted.I remember dragging myself to church just seated and hoping that a miracle would come my way.After church,I desperately wanted to talk to someone but there was no one.It was my first time to attend Newlife Sda.I looked at my phone.It was empty.There was no one.Where were all my friends when I needed them most?
My mum was my source of strength.I occasionally talked to her about it.She would try and talk me out of it.I had hurt her yet on most days I uttered awful words at her.Words that cut deep through her flesh leaving her sore and bleeding.I awakened wounds that saw their marriage slowly lose life.
On such sabbaths,I would sit along the bus shades along Kenyatta Hospital then later go to Kibera and do what I did best.I barely had money so I sold things in the house at any price just to get that dose.She wouldn’t dare ask.I was lethal..
I wish I could say all the things I did but just the memory breaks my heart.Looking back,I regret my choices,I rode on the fast lane of life and I hurt my best friend.A lot.She tells me that I never used to eat.She would cook,serve me,but I would contemptuously look at the food and throw it back at her.Its memories like this that make me pray for alzheimer’s or something.God forbid.
Most days I want to tell her am sorry but I really can’t.Cemented knots keep forming in my throat and instead we talk of something else.I hope i will be able to do it loudly some day.Occasionally I bring it up and we laugh about those days.She cannot say it but I know she forgave me.It’s never hard to read her beautiful soul.
Am still on my recovery road and it’s hard.Very hard,bt I still hold on,eyes on the price.Once in a while I see a counsellor but it’s very expensive.I have started going back to church.It gives me inner peace and joy knowing i have a friend i can always turn to.I lost most of my friends.I am a thousand steps behind but does it really matter?Life and family gave me a second chance and am very grateful.
I am now 203 days sober and even on the hardest of my days,when I can’t see even a single ray of hope,i do my yoga and thank God for Grace.
Based on a true life story.
JANUARY 31ST 2018.